I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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