i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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