His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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