Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
