Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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