My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
