I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Randomize
