This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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