2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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