they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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