Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
