guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Randomize
