If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
