If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
