Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
