help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
