Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize