I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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