just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
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