the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Randomize
