I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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