she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
