She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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