:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Randomize
