I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
