somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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