he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
It's rum buckets o'clock
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
