I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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