I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
