That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
