WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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