Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Floor bacon is actually really good
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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