The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
