I wanna passion pit in your ass
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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