Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
