I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Randomize
