just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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