We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
