I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
