so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
