so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
