shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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