Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
