i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I fill condoms, not promises.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
