piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Randomize
