Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
