i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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