I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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