I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
