meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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