matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize