We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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