You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
