Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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