Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
