guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
