Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
