Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
