She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
