Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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