I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
