GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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