Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
